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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Memories of Good and Evil

"Sometimes I wonder if certain memories are really mine or if they are someone else's memories of episodes in which I was merely and unwriting actor and which I found about later when they were told to me by others"..."If only I could once again plunge my childhood nakedness into the river, if I could grasp in today's hands the long damp pole, or the sonorous oars of yesteryear, and propel across the water's smooth skin the rustic boat that used to carry, to the very frontiers of dreams, the being I was then and whom I left stranded somewhere in time." ( from the nobel prize José de Saramago in Small Memories)....

When I was little... my grandma used to tell me.. you pushed your great grandma down the stairs and she almost got hurt. Never do I remember doing that and I always think that maybe I blocked it completely from my 4 year old memories so that I could continue believing I didn't have a bit of evil in my heart. If I did it, maybe it was not me...I don't know...
In a superb movie I just saw the other day, Get Low, about a man who punishes himself living a secluded life for 40 years for a crime he did not commit, but caused its effects, the reverend to whom he confessed his guilt says: "We like to imagine that good and bad, that right and wrong, are miles apart. But the truth is, that very often, they are all entangled with each other."
And so it is, that a basically good person, an inocent child, with an impetuous behavior, in a second, can drive herself to do something which she herself never had the intention to do. The difference with an adult is that maturity gives you a better judgement and self control.  And still so, these moments of unthinkable, despicable actions, come.  Felix Bush, the main character of the movie mentioned says: There is going through the motions.  "There's alive and there's dead; and there's a worse plane in between....and I hope you never know about that pal."  And that is what it means to live with guilt and remorse.  Not being able to arrive oneself to live or die, until you solve your inner self.
I suppose this happens to any human being at some point in their lives.  Not being able to resolve your inner doubts, the correctedness of your actions, the direction in which you are walking...can drive you crazy or into a depression. Is the solution to cry your soul out? To bring it in the open, so that others can help you bear your burden?  Or maybe give them relief so that they can stop wondering? So that they can be sure of who you are and with whom they are dealing? God only knows the mysteries and torments of our souls...if only we could share them and get their weight off us. Sometimes I think this is not fair. Why confess them if with this we will be seen differently? Why not enjoy our self imposed masks and keep our passions low? Low where they are safe until the end of our days when we will have to face the judgement of the Supreme, if it exists...Bring our secrets to the coldness of a tomb or to the volatility of ashes? Not keep us prisoners of our secrets, but imprison them in our deep, deep beings...forgetting them for the time being...until the end of our days.  Not that I am guilty...I am just wondering...